I struggle to tell people how I feel, even those closest to me, if someone says I look well, here’s the truth its an act, I hide away from telling people because who is even listening, who even cares.
On a quick side note, this took me a long time to come to terms with, and even though it won’t change anything I wish to say I have accepted my Bi-Sexuality, and feel in a way relieved, I always knew I felt something to both sexes, so there it is, I am Bi-Sexual, you got a problem with that, it was nice knowing you.
However, I am doing this note not because it is a spur of the moment thing, its not, I’ve spent the last two days thinking how to phrase this so here goes;
This past week or so I’ve been at a point which for anyone who has experienced this will know what I mean, the abyss, or a long tunnel and right in the middle where there is no way back and no way forward, complete, total darkness. As some of you know I suffer from Depression and anxiety I have done since I was 17, at my worst I wanted to curl up in a ball and just disappear, just escape the world. This past week or so I have felt like that point, yes I’ve had moments of “happiness”, I’ve certainly done things to take my mind off everything, mostly taking up Fantasy Fiction. which for the most part did help. However the past few days it has not, and before anyone says anything, I have tried other things, when you suffer from Depression for as long as I have you know all the tricks of the trade, sometimes they are not enough.
I am currently awaiting the results of an ESA (Employment and Support Allowance) medical reassessment that I last had three years ago when I was put in the “top tier”, so yes, that won’t be helping my situation but so much else is going on, things that I won’t, can’t fully explain. The first being our (John and I’s) current situation, John, as some will know, has been unable to get a permanent job for years and even though he works ad-hoc at Chester Race Course, it hasn’t seemed to help him in the job market, this bothers me greatly, because I feel like me being on ESA isn’t going to be helping him, but being on JSA (Job seekers) wouldn’t help me. Catch 22. Then there is our flat, for those who have been you know its small, and lacking a window in the bathroom, there are good points to it, it has French doors an a patio that is bathed in sunlight, its right next to Hoylake station and 2 minutes from a Sainburys. However, when you spend day after day, week after week in the same place, doing nothing, going no-where, mostly due to financial reasons, it gets to you. It’s got to me, in a way I never thought possible. My beloved Grandparents 96 and 91 respectively, I haven’t seen in so long, I can’t remember the last time I saw them, and from what my parents tell me, “they’re getting on”, what’s that got to do with anything, well, I spent a lot of time with my Grandparents until I moved back south. Most days I’d be there, after school, weekends, holidays. Baking with my Grandma, helping Grandad in the garden, Grandma trying to teach me to sing (I still can’t!), so not seeing them hurts, a lot. I haven’t seen my parents since Christmas, some people might like not seeing their parents, but as an only child, who is very close to them, it gets to me. It might be clear to people by now I am a very sensitive soul, “Friday’s Child is Loving and Giving” that’s me, Fridays child.
I discovered only a week before that my dad’s 65th birthday was this year, I always thought it was next year, so I felt guilty for not getting him anything except a card, I feel guilty anyway because I feel like I’ve let my parents, my Grandparents, my Nana (RIP), my family down, for not doing anything of worth. I had to leave school because of depression, a failure, you know my assistant head master actually said to me “I’ve never seen you look so happy..” on the day I left, Jeez, thanks Sir! I went to Edinburgh to do a course in International Business Marketing and Management, but had to to leave, granted it was for ill-health but I still had to leave, another failure in my eyes. Everyone, in my family, with the exception of my dad and Grandma has been to uni, yes I know an Uncle left, but he still went, and from what I can tell has become successful. My second youngest cousin is currently at Edinburgh, wouldn’t surprise me if my youngest cousin goes to uni too! I’ve always assumed because my family went to uni, and my Grandad going on about education, that academia IS success. I know its not, but it doesn’t stop me feeling like it is. I’ve spoken to psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, all said the same thing “academia isn’t everything”, I’ll believe for all of a few months but then it comes back into my head.
Over a year ago, I received news no-one ever wants, and its news of a death. No-one likes hearing that someone’s has died, doesn’t matter if it was for natural causes or it was expected, but an unexpected death, that is something so difficult to comprehend, unless you have experienced it for yourself you will have no idea what I felt, feel. I can describe, loniness, emptiness, heartache, but they are tiny words, a few small stars in a galaxy of billions. This death I still can’t comprehend, whether I don’t want to, or just physically can’t I don’t know, but this person was extremely important to me, not only were they ALWAYS at the other end of the phone, text but the way they answered the phone “hello you!” in a cheery voice. The way they could cheer you up just by being in the room, “tea?” with a smile, a laugh that was contagious, a hug that made you feel so warm and wanted and loved, no matter how bad you felt it helped. An Ocean of memories and photos are all that remains.
Although this happened years ago, it doesn’t stop me thinking about it, anyone who knows me knows just how much I loved my dog, Pippa, dosey mutt that she was, you told her to sit but she walked off or just stared at you. She never dropped a ball in fetch, even though she wanted you to throw it again, she loved having snowballs thrown at her and she’d try and catch them in her mouth. She loved her cuddles and her walks but she was more than a dog, any dog/pet lover will know that once an animal touches you’re heart its there forever. Pippa was family, she was more like a sibling, albeit a non argumentative sibling, but a sibling nonetheless. If I was ever down, she knew, she’d come over put her head on my lap and look up with puppy-dog eyes, sit on my feet and not move, it felt so nice to stroke her, her soft, silky head, her warm fur, and eyes that could kill. Her bark was so much worst than her bite, because she’d lick you to death before she’d ever bite. She was scared of the wind, and also dogs bigger than her, but she loved to play, and became friends with the neighbours cat…she was a very strange dog! If we were walking her and I was behind, she’d wait for me, constantly checking I was still there. For 15 years we tripped over her, moaned about her lack of hoovering and dusting, but it was the best 15 years.
Some of the above will seem happy, but a lot has been missed out, like me hating school so much I’d walk home in tears some days, I moved from Banchory to Laurencekirk because everyday after school I’d walk home crying, begging my parents to move. The work was getting to me, people didn’t really talk to me, I had a teacher humiliate me in-front of the class, grade A student, whats wrong with that, well when you do you’re homework the day you get it, hold you’re pen/pencil right, respect you’re teachers, apparently, a lot. Some of it may have been in my head, but I remember hearing laughing if the teacher said something that involved me. I hated school, with a passion, I just wanted it to go away, and everything about it, I felt so uncomfortable at school, at both schools. Until I left the one thing that kept me going, other than seeing a youth psychologist, at school, which I’m pretty sure kids worked out, the teachers certainly knew, was knowing I’d see my best friend, so similar it was almost freaky! But in a good way! Toffee and Bacon Bagels! She’ll know what I mean. Little phrases, “Shall We?” “Shallweette” “Helloosh” “yoosh” or adding “ski” to the end of words. To anyone else we must have seemed insane. I owe a lot to her, pretty sure I’d have left this world long before if it wasn’t for her. So, if she reads that, Thank you, very very much. You’re a true friend ❤
I’ve tried to leave this world before, many times, but always at the final point stopped. My psychiatrist told me “you’re the most selfless suicidal person I’ve ever met”, I guess that’s a compliment, I don’t know. Why did she say that? Well I have a terrible habit of putting everyone else before me, to the point I think about the impact me leaving this Earth would have, not on the majority, but for my parents, my family, my closest friends. Most people wouldn’t even notice or care I’d gone, but for the select few, if I was gone, the thought of the pain puts me off going all the way. Sure I cry into a pillow or towel saying “kill me now” or “get me out of here”, I have plenty of medication I could take that would certainly have me out, but I’d never do it. I can promise you that.
There is one other thing that had a big impact on me, more so that anyone will ever know, and that one thing, I really can’t talk about. Not because I don’t want to, but because even now, not as often, thankfully, it still effects me, and unless you’re family or a family friend, who will know exactly what I am talking about, it’s too hard. It’s too real, too raw.
A well-known actor said “Let me be to someone else, what no-one was to me. Let me send a message…that there is an us, there is a we, and that kid or teenager or adult is loved, and they are not alone”. Well, Well-known actor, it sure feels like I am alone.
I’ll end on this, the above is only a tiny fraction of what makes me, me, and if me suffering from Depression and anxiety is an issue for you, I am sorry for you, because not everyone is as strong as they seem. To anyone who suffers from Depression or Anxiety the following websites are available to you:
- http://www.wirralmind.org.uk/ (part of the mind community)