It’s been one of those days where I just want to give up, it’s been “one of those days” for many weeks if I’m honest. I saw my GP the other day who has referred me back to my Psychiatrist, I am still awaiting to hear from the DWP, but GP said he wants to know the result because if they think I am capable of working and under the pressure of their terms he is concerned it might be the one thing that pushes to me the “point”.
My partner works as a driver for Dominos, which is good for him, but means every evening, bar Mondays and the days he works at the Racecourse, I am alone. Giving me thinking time, which has its perks, however, when one is suicidal, probably not the best thing to do. Thinking has never been a great past time of mine, it ends up escalating into darkness and i dwell on things that happened so long ago I shouldn’t be thinking about it. Yet, those very things keep returning, was it those things that helped contribute to the way I am..or was it something else, was it a mixture of everything that has come before and yet to happen. I am doing it again, over thinking.
I do a lot of adult colouring, my “self-care”, a great way to escape my mind, although even colouring doesn’t seem to distract me as easily anymore. I actually feel like I’ve written this before, or something like it, if I have, I apologise.