Endless Cycle

It always seems to me that just as I think things are getting better I hit a brick wall that is so high I can’t scale it. So wide, I can’t go round it, and there definitely no point in trying to dig under it. We’ve all been there, that place where you just can’t go any further.

I’d managed to reignite my writers flame, which was great because it’s one of the best ways, I’ve found, that I can completely ignore all the evils that my mind had circling, waiting to pounce. It was going well, I had TWO pieces of prose going at once, I felt I was on a role, then last week, Friday I think..I can’t quite remember as I haven’t slept all that well for the past few days. I was getting my daily evening bath, my biggest self-care I can get is my nice, hot bath, all steamy and lovely, when something hit me, like a train almost. I felt myself wanting to cry. I hadn’t done that in a while, pretty sure my emotions had all but disappeared until that point. 

On the Thursday (18) I had an appointment with an initial reassessment psychiatric person as my mood had been so poor lately, literally nothing was helping, and I was getting less and less inclined to go out. Just wanted to hide away under the duvet and hope everyone and everything went away. So you can imagine my delight when I was able to write again. When everything that I’d managed to “store” at the back of mind re-emerged I couldn’t handle it. So many things came to the front of my mind, who am I, am I the right gender, what is my purpose in the world, am I happy in myself, why am I here, why am I still alive, all the mistakes I’ve made throughout my life, all the people who’ve gone from my life, not just family but friends I used to know so well, suddenly up and leaving, why, sometimes it was just we grew apart naturally, others, I will never know.

Thankfully, a friend of mine suggested I write something with two of my favourite TV characters, sort of fan-fiction you could say, Captain Cold (Leonard Snart) and White Canary (Sara Lance), if you want to know the actors who play them its Wentworth Miller and Caity Lotz respectively. Both very attractive people. I find it quite easy writing about their Legends of Tomorrow characters, it seems to flow quite easily. So does a sort of fan-fiction with Captain Cold and The Flash (Barry Allen), I’ve always had those two pegged as deeply sexually charged people, sure Barry has Iris and whoever else he has, female wise, but when he is with Captain Cold, something changes, it’s like a spark, so many moment’s when you just wanted them to kiss, it was ridiculous..sorry I’m getting carried away there..my bad.

Where was I..erm..oh yeah, (sorry I just had to re-read what I’d written above), so when my storage box reopened, exploding all these things from darkness to light and I cracked, couldn’t stop the tears..usually I talk to my parents over the weekend, I didn’t want to, i didn’t want to do anything, spent all weekend, with the except of a few hours in my pyjamas, terrible, I know. Thankfully when my friend suggested the writing of the fan-fic I was able to switch off to some extent. My original piece I was writing, my “Romance Amid Murder” has come to a standstill, for now, having spoken to a friend who did English Lit at Uni and working through it with him as to where it needs tweaking, and what needs improving or changed completely, I’ve come to the conclusion I may just restart the whole thing. I’ve printed off what I have so far, so I won’t be going completely from scratch, but it won’t be far off. It’s going to take a while, but I’ll get there, eventually..hopefully.

I’ve mentioned in a previous blog that I’m doing an acting course, starting in September, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m completely out of my mind! Even though it my biggest dream and desire, to act, if i start thinking it’s a bad move I’ll somehow convince myself of it, so I’d better not get into that.

Bloody Brick Wall.

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