I don’t normally write a blog when I’m feeling the way I do now, because usually it passes. However, I am doing because when I look at back at this, sometime, maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after, maybe a year from now, I’ll know I made it.
Right now I am at Breaking Point, I want to Disappear, Vanish, Walk into the Darkness and Never Return. Why? Well, as much as I can write to take my mind off the Darkness within there are times, it can even be as simple as something I write that resurfaces a memory or emotion I don’t want, or even a song. What resurfaced all my Darkness this time, was something that at times I don’t understand. Sexuality. I have, to a point, accepted I was Bi-sexual, however, there are times when I think I am completely the wrong gender altogether as well as sexuality, ie: I think I should be a gay man. I don’t know why I think that, certain things, thing’s I don’t want to write, because I have not fully understood them in my head. As well as sexuality I have been slowly realising how miserable I feel in my life. Yes I have my acting course coming up, which would begin my dream, I am doing an online course, but here’s the thing. I find I don’t actually have much in common with my friends..after almost 10 years you’d think all that stuff would be out the way. Apparently not. I’m also in two mind’s about staying in the area I’m in. One of the things I’d love to go is literally get on a plane and get the fuck out of here (sorry for the swear word there). Vancouver, Canada is a big draw for me, a lot of filming things are taking place next year, it’s the new hot spot for acting. However, going there would mean leaving everything, including my family. I haven’t been sleeping well recently, few hours, max, bloody insomnia. I can’t imagine that helps my mood any. “One Day I’ll Fly Away, Leave All This To Yesterday”, a line from a song in Moulin Rouge, I’d love to be able to do that right now. Forget the past, which is rapidly coming to the front of my mind. I went to two secondary schools, lately I’ve been thinking I should have put up with my misery at my original secondary and stayed. Put up with being not spoken to, humiliated by teachers, maybe I’d be where I actually want to be. Of course there is no guarantee that would even be true. There are certainly people I never would have met had I not left. Even when we did move, people didn’t always talk, teenagers are real jackasses sometimes. Should I have worked harder? Damn right I should have done, would it have helped? Possibly not, sure I could do the coursework, put me in an exam I had a blank. Fucking idiot (sorry). All the things I have said and done, all the mistakes I made, still make..”put them in a box” my psychiatrist says…sure, I’ll do that but what happens when they emerge from the box? What do I do then..don’t tell me that! Don’t tell me how to stop myself from wanting to end my life every fucking minute of every fucking day. Don’t tell me everything will be alright in the end, in the end isn’t this very moment, in the end is not helping me! NOW! Don’t tell me just relax, it’s fucking easier said than done! Don’t tell me it’s all in my head, I fucking know it’s in my head it’s why it’s MENTAL Health not stomach health or leg health. Don’t tell me to move on, I’ve tried! I’m struggling and failing. At one time talking to my parents made everything okay, now, it makes it worse.
I’m sorry I went off at a tangent then, it wouldn’t surprise me if none of it makes any sense just a load of words mushed together. I’m sorry for the swear words, I try to avoid swearing online and in general if I can manage it, it feels wrong, immature, like I don’t know proper English. I’m sorry to anyone I’ve ever offended or hurt. I’m sorry for being so miserable all the time. If you can be sorry for being sorry then I’m sorry for that too.