Not A Clue

They say “Home is where the heart is”, nice statement, but what if your heart doesn’t know? Then what? Wander around aimlessly, trying different places? I used to think Home was where my parents were, or where I felt most relaxed or happy, but now when I see my parents I am not usually that thrilled. I am rarely relaxed or happy. I just exist. There are moments of joy, usually when I am at my acting class. Although today where we went through possible scenarios for our end of course play one of the options when it was discussed within the group I just didn’t talk, couldn’t talk. I hated one of the ideas with a passion, I couldn’t explain why, I just said “i really don’t like it”, the tutor didn’t question why, it was just as well. Some of the options for this particular choice were gruesome, bad injury, hitting head on hard surface. It involved being at a funeral parlour. Now, the funeral parlour didn’t bother me, it was the head injury, hard surface, make it really bad. They were laughing at that, but I wasn’t, I stared at the floor trying to ignore what they were saying. Trying to keep as poker faced as I could. The words head injury, hard surface, really bad. One main image came to mind, my Aunt. She died via a head injury, in the Lake District last year. She slipped, fell 60ft, she was knocked unconscious, not only the Mountain Rescue but the RAF had to come help, she didn’t make it. Seeing her all bruised and battered and those words, I just couldn’t even bring myself to talk. She meant so much to me and so many others.

The other option we had is about a man who leaves his family to go to War, WWII to be precise. Three years after leaving the Army inform his wife that he is missing, presumed dead. She turns to the black market to make ends meat, her eldest son gets lured into stealing cars with a neighbours son and his mate. The mate gets introduced to the wife, who end up becoming lovers. The middle daughter is critically ill and the youngest is pregnant, via the neighbours son! The father then returns home, unexpectedly. It’s going to be one crazy play!

On a side note of my acting I have decided to do the Intermediate Course which starts in January. Planning on getting Photo Head-shots done soon, get my acting profile all set up. The other members of my acting group are really nice, don’t question why I may not have had a good day, they just carry on, which I quite like, I know they’d listen if I needed to talk, but just acting normally is actually a relief at times.

I’m spending more and more time on my own because my partner works as a Dominos Delivery Driver, I only found out there was a work party this evening, this morning. Spending so much time alone, it’s sometimes okay, I’ve been watching more films, which I get absorbed into, great way of forgetting about problems about me. Then, having to spend so much time alone my depression creeps in, I can keep it at bay for the most part, but there are times, and it can be the smallest thing, I just can’t control it.

The other week I wanted to forget my acting class, the reason? We were doing deep breathing, only 4 of us in the class in total that day. So lying on the floor, deep breathing, I suddenly burst into tears and ran off to the ladies, for half an hour I just cried. I don’t know what happened, what triggered it, I just couldn’t hold it. I kept repeating to myself “you can do this”, “this is your dream”, “come on, pull yourself together”, “what would Wentworth say if he saw this”, “what would Grandma say if she saw this”, “come on, you can do this”. Over and Over and Over again, eventually I pulled myself together and went back into the studio, it was like I’d never left. In a sense I was relieved about that, because the last thing I would have wanted is to be questioned, how do you answer something you don’t know yourself. You can’t. I got through the rest of the lesson, I saw a friend after, a friend I’ve known years, it was nice to see him. We were going to go to an Art Gallery but ended up going for a nice cup of tea instead. I was glad when I got back to my apartment, curled up under the duvet. I do that a lot when I just can’t face the world.

Spending my days in my pj’s either on the sofa or curled up under my duvet. Watching a film, talking to a friends on Facebook, who I am very grateful of! My life is an endless circle, hopefully next year I will finally be doing what I want to do. I am also going to try not to let comments that hurt linger in my system. Write down anything and everything as soon as an emotion of sadness, anger, stress, anxiety bubbles up, get it out of me, because otherwise it will fester, and that is never good, for anyone.

Sorry for the ramble. I usually feel better after my ramblings, not today, oh well. There is always tomorrow.

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