Behind The Mask


Never Judge A Book By It’s Cover.

Great quote, said so often it’s almost boring now, some books tell the whole story on their cover, other’s really don’t. People are the same, not to be judged by their looks, no-one is what the outside seems to be, or are they? There are some people in this world who look just as dumb and as they are, just as criminally minded as they look, just as academic as they look, etc. However, the majority of people are not what the outside perceives them to be.

I don’t like the way I look, saying that, I like my figure, and my blue eyes, problem is, I think I have an ugly face, I also suffer from eczema on my wrists and ankles, it’s stress and environmental I am told. I’m also told by people who know about my eczema “what are you stressed about?”, the last thing I need is to be asked that! Same with “you don’t look depressed”, well that’s because I’ve spent my whole life keeping it hidden! I can look nervous, especially walking about by myself, yet I’m told I always walk with my head held high and excellent posture, so why do I look nervous? I have no bloody idea! Sometimes I am nervous, there are many things spinning in my head, my mum says it’s just the expression on my face. Not sure I want to look nervous all the time, I’m sure I don’t, there must be times when I don’t look nervous…not sure when they are but hey, I don’t know everything! I’m told I sound very intelligent and well spoken when I talk, I’ll give them the well spoken, not so sure about intelligent!

Everyone has fears, it’s only natural, imagine having a fear that is possibly so unrealistic that thought alone is fear? Confused? It doesn’t surprise me. My family know bits about my childhood, most families know bits about others’ childhoods etc. However, trying to explain to anyone, whether family or a professional how you actually felt, how you actually interpreted things is difficult. I can’t even build up the courage to write it in a personal essay. People in my family who should know how I felt, don’t. People in my family who were there who should know how I interpreted things, don’t. Because, truthfully, no-one would know except me and the only way those people would ever know is if I told them. But, if I’m too afraid to write down those things, how the hell do I get the courage to tell them vocally? 

In my acting class we are doing an end of course play, I wrote the script, turned out better than I thought actually! I told one of the guys from my class I was terrified of doing this, he asked why, I said it was because when I’m nervous I talk too quickly. He said the fact friends are going to be doing it too is easing his nervousness. He has a point, they are friends, and friends support one an other. “It’ll be alright on the night”, or in our case one afternoon!

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