Down and Out

Can I hide in a hole? Disappear? Please?
Does anyone even care..

I haven’t slept properly for days, my mind is not in a good place. On Thursday, during the first rehearsal for the end of course play, my character does a monologue, except my nerves got the better of me, I had to go to the ladies to cry. My heart told me to continue, to do the monologue, I’d regret it if I didn’t. I did it, albeit, sitting down. The script, I wrote, keeps playing over and over in my head, changes I should make, ways it could be different, better. None of it matters.

See friends occasionally, except they were friends of my partners at school, so they don’t really feel like my friends. I’ve known them 10 (ish) years, yet they still don’t feel like my friends. Weird, I know.

I feel like the only people who actually support me following my dream are people I’ve never met. That hurts. A lot. Not because I have never met them, they are wonderful people, I’m very grateful I know them, but because people I actually physically meet never give me the same confidence. All the compliments, nice words, they’re all from people I’ve never met.

I have so much tidying to do today, it’s crazy, I’m alone all day, until this evening when people come over. *sigh* Motivation would be good.



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