Hope Fades

I was supposed to go visit my parents today, in the wilds of Scotland (they’re up near Aberdeen), that didn’t happen. I had a meltdown, thankfully before I left home. I’ve made the journey before, many times, it’s a route I know well, yet today, my mind took over. My anxiety kicked into overdrive, I couldn’t go, I can’t even explain why, because, I myself, don’t know why I’m so afraid. Something inside me said no. Granted the thought of being around strangers on a train in close proximity for almost 6 hours total travel time does not fill me with joy, but like I said, I’ve made the journey before. Could I go tomorrow? Maybe, but the weather forecast makes for grim reading.

I want to go to Vancouver this year, how do I get there when I can’t even get on a bloody train to se my parents..granted the reason for Vancouver is different than seeing my parents, but the travelling part is the same, the big difference is it’s a long flight in close proximity to other people.

I do want to see my parents, and grandparents for that matter, but that fear that is coursing through me, that overwhelming dread of having to travel, alone, when my mind is telling me I’m better off not existing. Even when my mind isn’t telling me that the fear is overwhelming, I can’t get rid of it, not even sleeping my day away has helped ease my anxiety.

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