Trust

They say trust is built from an early age, I don’t deny that for a second. My family, no matter what, will always be the most important people in my life. I don’t just mean my parents and Grandparents, I mean everyone, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. I’m lucky in that both my parents were from families with two other siblings, so I have 8 cousins, and everyone one of them is important. I don’t tell them how much they mean to me or how much I believe in them.

Friends, I have a few. I’ve always had problems trusting people, a friend reminded me recently that the only person you can rely on is yourself. It took me until I was in senior school before I met my oldest and best friend, I miss her, haven’t seen her in a while. There are 5 maybe 6 people I trust enough to know the real me, however when you’ve been assured no-one would say anything and yet things still come out, trust is hard. 

There is a lot of my past my friends and even some of my family do not know, there are reasons. It is not for lack of trust. It’s because having spent years of my life since I was about 12 talking to mental health specialists about my past bringing it up again seems pointless. Then again maybe it would help those around me realise why I say or do the things I do. I’m quite an observant person, I’ll notice things most people either miss or think nothing of. If something doesn’t seem right I question it, not always outloud. More often that not I say nothing. I was once told being observant is both good and bad, it was never elaborated on. As I’ve got older I now know what that person meant.

Trust is a big part of acting. More so when you work in a group. Why I mention this is because, and I hate that I think this, I don’t trust some of people in my class. They make me feel uneasy, I had a class yesterday, we are already down to 6, I was the only female as the only other remaining female is off. We were doing improvisation, now I love improv, it’s one of my favourite parts of acting, getting to use my imagination. However, I did not love improv yesterday. I actually had to stop doing a particular exercise we were doing. My class is all bar myself and one other, older men. I have a bit of a frustration for the guy younger than me because he comes across (to me at least) like he thinks he knows it all, he doesn’t. You probably think I’m over thinking things, and I may be, but to me, being in a room full of mostly older men and I’m the only female scares the hell out of me. Is that stupid? 

I told the tutor how I felt before the class began, he said see how today and next week go. I know from my friend the evening class is more varied, there is also more of them. I know for a fact if I give up I’d be angry with myself, and then distressed, I don’t want that. So giving up is not at option for me. All I know for sure is trust is not happening, I trust the tutor, but after that..Let’s put it this way I get out as soon as I can and I don’t linger for a chat.

My trust and fear problems are probably connected to my anxiety and depression problems. I’ve had Mental Health problems, that I was told about since 12, I could have had them long before that. Even if I trust someone I may not tell them everything I possibly should, that is my problem to deal with. I put other people I love and care about before myself, I’ve always done that and trying to convince myself that I also need to care for me and be selfish every so often if need be is so difficult I just switch off, I learnt to switch off years ago but lately I struggle to switch off. My mind is always thinking, wondering, questioning, I wish it would stop. It’s killing me.

I’ve always thought I was judged, I still think when someone looks at me I’m being judged. That feeling, is unpleasant, if you’ve experienced it you know what I mean, if you’ve not, explaining it is hard, I apologise for that. Trust, can be gained and lost so quickly it’s difficult to know, at times, who you can trust. 

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