Doubt

The past few days I’ve been catching myself doubting myself. Am I doing the right thing following my dream? Am I right to withhold what I actually think? Am I even worthy of having friends and following my dream.

I was having dental surgery this morning and whilst the drill was buzzing away I had that “am I worthy” moment, only it lasted longer than a moment. It’s been on and off all day, normally I can clear it or box it up, not today. 

I rarely, if ever tell people what really goes on in my head, because if people knew they’d run, and who’d blame them. There are some weird things going on in my head, like most people. However, doubting my acting ability and whether I’m right to follow my dream is getting to me. I know it’s hard, I know it can take years, decades even, before one gets anywhere. Yet these doubts in my mind are getting more frequent. Maybe because I’m never told, “you can do this”, “don’t give up”, “you’re doing well”. I never hear those words, not just in my acting but at all. Maybe that’s why I’m doubting myself or because I always put others first, I’m so rarely given positivity that when I do get it, or even a compliment (I can’t remember the last time I got one of those) I don’t know how to react and usually don’t believe them. 

I don’t like doubting myself, I doubted my academic abilities and it turned out I was right. I don’t want to doubt my acting ability, but it’s such a hard career to have..Am I falling before I even begin?

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"Like a Dandelion up through the pavement, I persist" Wentworth Miller

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