The Suicidal Mind

*The following is how I feel during my suicidal times, not everyone will feel the same*

Ever had that sinking feeling that you’re not wanted?
That feeling of loneliness even in a room filled with people?
That feeling that there is no point?
That feeling of, “what now”?

I get those feelings, more often than I’d like, to the point “I don’t know which version of you I’m going to get”. I’m told on the days I’m suicidal I am “hell on earth” to be around, but on the days I’m not I’m “a joy and a pleasure”. Now the words in inverted comma’s were said to me by someone I care deeply about, and, at the time, hurt, but I knew what they meant. It’s not meant as a bad thing, it’s how it’s seen, how the outside world, how someone who doesn’t experience Depression or Suicidal thoughts may view the situation.

However, to the one feeling Suicidal? “Hell on Earth”, is exactly how it feels. There is no hope, no ending, no light, no helping hand, nothing. To some they end up doing the act, to others they just think it and nothing ever comes of it, some plan it out in their minds, maybe one day in the future, maybe not. To me, if you actual end your life via Suicide, you’re brave. I can imagine many people thinking, “How is Suicide brave? It’s selfish and cowardly and pathetic”. No. It is very, very brave, and it is not selfish or cowardly or pathetic. And in my eye, here’s why.

  1. If you actually do it, you are very brave, when you literally feel like there is nothing, not one shred of help, that no amount of tears and sleep can ease, those deep breaths don’t work, that calming music did nothing, where nothing is worth it. It take guts to end your life via Suicide, don’t believe me? Imagine having to cross a Motorway/Highway on foot, nervous?
  2. Selfish it is not. Clearly many people will think it and mostly it’s because they don’t know what it’s like to be at that point. Alone. Lost. Helpless.
  3. Cowardly and Pathetic are almost, not quite, the same thing. A coward is someone who backs out of doing something, so calling someone who actually tried/did the act is not cowardly, see #1. Pathetic, again you can’t put pathetic into the same sentence as Suicide, there is nothing pathetic about it. If you can’t see it from the person’s point of view, then you are naive.

When I’m at that point, more often than not, I fall asleep. That is not automatic, that is out of practice, I have to, my mind is so twisted and dark that the only way to escape is to close my eyes and dream. I was walking in a local Botanic Gardens near me the other day, birds were singing, the sun was shining, the sweet smells of freshly cut grass and flowers blooming. Children laughing and playing, enjoying themselves. The sort of situation where most people would feel some form of joy, happiness. I did not. I sat on a bench and literally felt like disappearing, I’ve become so good at hiding my feelings, my mind, that I’d managed to hide it from myself, and I was suddenly right in the middle of my mind, and I didn’t like it. Everything was black, sure the sun was shining on my face, blinding my eyes, even with them closed, I could feel it’s warmth touching my skin, soft and gentle, but it didn’t improve my mood, infact I wished it would go away. I stared at a Monkey Puzzle Tree (I don’t know it’s actual name, sorry!), it’s thorny, green branches reaching out, how I wanted to rip one off and drive it through me, end the hell, end the pain. I didn’t, you probably guessed that already, clever you.

Time marched on, I walked on, through Azaleas and Rhododendrons, two of my favourite plants. They are large flowered, sometimes, different colours, artistic in their appearance, beautiful ever-green leaves, they keep you waiting for almost the whole year and then for a month or two in early Spring, they bloom, showing their beauty for the world to see. A shy smile crossed my face, but quickly vanished, I stood in the woodland, looking around, listening, taking it my surroundings. My wanting out feeling hit me again, feeling like I’d been hit by a train at full speed. Stomach riving, my head blank and the “what the hell am I doing here, just end this, now” feeling spinning round and round, it wouldn’t stop. Re-emerging into the sunshine I got blasted with bright sunlight, but that sunlight struck my feeling and sent it packing, for all of 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes, I felt at peace with myself, sort of. I never truly feel at peace, I haven’t for a long time, I just felt like I could cope, just a bit longer.

Sitting around people who care for me and love me I still felt like I wanted out, because it doesn’t feel like I’m wanted or loved or cared for, even if I’m told countless times. Over and over again, it doesn’t register, it’s like their mouths are moving but no sound comes out. A hug doesn’t feel right, even a gently hand on a shoulder makes me uneasy, I flinch. I used to be such a huggy person, being in a Botanical Garden would have literally been heaven on earth to me, no more. Nothing improves my mood.

My Suicidal Mind is a complicated thing, I can function properly, act completely normal, like there is nothing wrong with me, it’s all an charade, an act. Apparently I’ve become quite good at it, because unless I told someone, they wouldn’t know. That’s a good thing? Perhaps, perhaps not. Many things spin in my head daily, many things, I can switch moods so quickly I can understand why someone would think I’m hell on earth. Having someone being in a good mood one minute and then in a vile mood the next, just like that, welcome to my world.

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