“Built your walls so high that no-one can climb them” – a line from an Emeli Sandé track, I’ve taken to building my walls quite high too, it’s actually got to the point where even people I should trust, I don’t. That isn’t their fault, not at all, it’s just the way I’ve been lately.
People I thought I could trust, I cant, and people I did trust, I’ve stopped trusting. Trying to explain why is difficult, not least because I’m afraid of hurting those around me who call me their friend, even if I don’t necessarily see them as mine, does that make sense? I used to find trusting people hard anyway, but as I got older I began to let my guard down, letting people in, but not to the core, never that far. A few people know me, the real me, but lately even the real me has vanished.
My confidence has vanished too, floated off into the sky along with my trust. I’m supposed to be doing another acting course starting next week, Thursday to be exact, but I have lost the self confidence I need to actually go. The thought of having to face a completely new group of people, honestly, scares the s**t out of me! Having to not look terrified will be a real struggle, how do I trust them, when I can’t even trust myself at times.
Trust and confidence, where have you gone..