I’m a fragment of my former self, where once I did so much alone, now I’m afraid to leave the apartment. It takes so much to just get on the train to go into Liverpool for my acting classes, it terrifies me. I never used to be like that. I was planning on visiting my family in Scotland today but I had to get a refund because I just can’t face it alone. It’s such a long way, little time between changes, that adds to my fear, I hate being rushed, it flusters me, then I’ll go into meltdown. My own time, my own way. Not being able to get a reservation on one of the trains is also a problem, to so many it seems trivial, but for someone like me, it’s critical. It never used to bother me, nothing really bothered me, getting a train by myself was nothing, I quite enjoyed it. Now, it’s hell. It’s like I feel I’m being watched, judged, even if I’m not. Eyes everywhere, watching. I’m safe in bed, under the duvet. No-one can see my cry.