Watching. Waiting.

“Masquerade paper faces on parade, masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you”* except I suspect the world has found me, and it’s staring hard, judging all the movements, all the steps, all the words, everything. Watching. Waiting. Waiting for me to slip and fall so they can laugh at me. Waiting for me to fail. Like they knew I always would. Waiting in the shadows. Watching. Waiting for the slightest sign of weakness. Watching. Please stop watching me, I can’t take it. Waiting. How long can I wear this mask, how long can I hide from this world. Watching. Is there no-where to go that is safe. Waiting. Watching. Always.

I guess the above is how anyone with depression and who is in a depressive mode feels, it’s not fun, it’s not pleasant, I wish I could explain to those who don’t understand how easily I can go from wearing my mask to it falling. How the slightest thing, even if you think it’s nothing, can mean 100 times more to me. Not responding to a simple question, to a normal non depressed person, it can be shrugged off, forgotten about, not to someone who has depression. All the questions that run through the mind, torturous is how I can describe it. Sitting in the car this morning having picked up my meds I just lost it, nothing in particular triggered it, I just couldn’t hold back the tears, I couldn’t keep focused, I just fell apart. Feels like I’m drowning and no-one is coming to my aid.

* Line from Masquerade, from The Phantom of the Opera


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